First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
