Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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