this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
