took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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