My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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