Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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