alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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