maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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