we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
