You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize