Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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