just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
