Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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