I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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