My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
