you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize