we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
