He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
