i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
