just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
