Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
