so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
