Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
