Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
