kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
