I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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