Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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