I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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