I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
