Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
