Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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