He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
