I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
