I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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