Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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