I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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