Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize