I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
