look no pants
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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