I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Drunk is not a location!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
