hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
