At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize