I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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