She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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