I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
