nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
