dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
