i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
