I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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