They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
