I just pynch a tree in the face
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
