My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
