In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
