I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
