i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize