R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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