Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
