So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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