I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She bit a glass in half.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize