plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
