the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
