So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
