We're facebook friends in real life
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
