WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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