omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
