I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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