I love black thongs
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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