I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
